Life

Everyone expects to have a good life, bright future and bla bla bla... Have you ever expect a bad one when you were young? i mean, young, when you still play with your dolls, when your parents ask you to take a nap in the afternoon. Mostly didn't, rite?

Sadly, i'm one of the minority who has a major ability to expect a complicated family life even on my 6th grade of school. I was passing a smooth life only until that time. Oh, and by the way, my mom gave birth to my little sister on my 4th grade, yeah, 7 years gap of age, pretty far.

Time goes by and i am 24 now. The number is much enough to start think maturely as a mature person. But i need to take a break sometimes, not long, just need a few hours and it happened infrequently.

My mother is in USA, Denver, Colorado, working since 2003. She made it to back home twice so far, not bad.

Me and my sister live with my father and a house-helper, she's been working here since i was 5, impressive isn't it! We love her as our family.

Our parents still married but live separately. Gladly, we have all the standards of living. Still sounds nice, huh?

For years i was dealing with the same problem, it actually my parent's personal problem, but since i am the eldest, no matter how old i was and no matter i'm not ready yet to hear such things they still spill out everything to me as i am their mediator. What about my sister?? She's 17 now, she's more ready than you can ever imagine but "bravely" she keep her mouth, ears and eyes shut as a dorky dork! Always play save, she's the gold and i'm the parasite. Perhaps i'm too rude to my self since i cannot find the precise word to describe it.

Until today, whatever happen to me and my sister, i will always fight my self to keep this as a good relationship between us, even it is hard as going to heaven.

What i'm trying to say is, i have problems that i'm dying to solve it, and it is very hard for me, so so hard even i can't made it as a good story telling, well, it shouldn't. I know my limitation, everyone does, that's why you can't claim your major problem as the toughest, because it depends on everyone's limitation.

I think i'll end it quick, i'm not good at it. Hopefully you get what i'm doing here.

Talking About Love

I never felt so much in love before. It's been more than a year, and no such "bore" thing came out when it comes to you.

I never even wondered to be loved this much by someone.

You are my universe.

Tenggelam Bersama Pecundang

Setiap hari dan di setiap kesempatan saya lihat kamu sibuk dengan Blackberry. Ada dua kemungkinan, sibuk balesin BBM dari customer dan reseller, atau, sibuk berantem dan buang-buang waktu kamu dengan hmmm...mantan pacar kali yah? Saya percaya keduanya.

Rasanya mulut gatel deh pengen ngomong "untungnya apa sih buat lo terus-terusan ladenin dia?". Sebenernya udah pernah saya ngomong itu, tapi sekali gak mempan, kedua kali tetep gak ngaruh, yang ketiga, udah gak ada lagi hasrat pengen ngomong, capek. Beberapa kali saya curhat ke pacar tentang masalah itu, pacar bilang "kalo udah gak bisa dibilangin gitu coba dibiarin aja, sampe dia capek sendiri". Saran yang kurang membantu yang saya dapat dari orang yang saya harapkan :(

Saya sih gak mau diemin, tapi emang batu banget tuh anak. Penasaran, dapet kepuasan dari sisi apanya ya ladenin topik yang bikin berantem setiap hari, diulang ya, SETIAP HARI! Heran. Tapi sebelum kamu sampai kepentok dengan masalah ini, saya akan bantu kamu.

Kalau ternyata emang dia jodoh kamu, yah, saya mau bilang apa lagi, saya doakan yang terbaik aja untuk masa depan dan kehidupan kamu sehari-hari sama dia. Tapi ya Allah, semoga jangaaannn, he's a loser.

Semoga kamu cepat sadar ya kawan.

When He Say "We Are Coming"

He said today on June 24, 2011 at 8.46pm in Starbucks Gandaria City while we're enjoying the music from the band "I'm coming to your house next month". It sounds confusing since he's like everyday come to my house. Then I ask "why next month? Are you going somewhere?". With serious straight face he answer "Me, my father n mother, we're going to see your parents and family to introduce our family to know each other as a family". (Too much family, hehehe)

Yah saya deg-degan banget ya pas denger itu. Saya pikir masih beberapa bulan lagi atau bahkan mungkin tahun depan orang tua dia akan datang memperkenalkan diri mereka ke keluarga inti saya. Oh, this will be my first experience to feel that moment, and i'm hoping from my deepest heart it will be the last too.

Bismillah ya Fal :)

Pain

How to write it down, father...

This family issue just ruinned me. Makes me refuse to think. I try, and try and keep trying to touch up my outter then everyone can see me, at least, fine.

We can show and give our highest respect, and in return, please dont break this family's heart. You broke mine already.

Officially Jobless

Per tanggal 3 Mei 2011 saya resmi menyatakan diri saya sebagai pengangguran.

Dari sini ingin sekali memulai sesuatu yang saya sukai, dan bisa dengan sepenuh hati mengerjakannya tanpa keluhan yang bertubi2 seperti pekerjaan saya yang sebelumnya.

Sadar sekali deh kalau saya ini terlalu gegabah dengan sisa uang di ATM yang hanya tinggal beberapa digit, saya memutuskan untuk mencoba sesuatu yang baru, yaitu bisnis online. Semoga rezeki saya di sini, amin. Atau, kalaupun bukan, insyaAllah ada pekerjaan lain nanti yang saya bisa kerjakan lebih dari sekedar menunggu gajian di akhir bulan, yaitu ikhlas.

Ada obsesi lain yang saya ingin raih (selain jadi ibu rumah tangga dan juragan kost-kostan atau kontrakan, hehehe...). Ingin sekali saya mahir menjahit dan memasak. Mungkin harus salah satu ya, satu saja masih gak karuan. Mudah-mudahan kalau nanti ada rezeki saya akan les jahit.

Saya dan pacar punya cita-cita untuk punya konveksi sekaligus bisnis jahit pakaian jenis apapun, aduuuhhh terlalu muluk sepertinya, tapi ya itulah passion saya.

Keras sekali kepala ini memang. Ibu saya sudah mengingatkan kalau jangan sampai resign dulu sebelum dapat pekerjaan yang baru. Saya jalankan saran itu dan bahkan sebelumnya juga saya punya pemikiran yang sama. Tapi setelah saya mulai hari pertama di tempat kerja baru, jam 8 pagi sampai jam 4 sore berjalan seperti setahun lamanya. Sungguh tidak nyaman karena merasa sama sekali tidak cocok dengan tipe pekerjaan yang ada.

Saya meminta maaf kepada Bapak EJ dan sekaligus berterimakasih atas kesempatan yang telah diberikan kepada saya untuk satu hari yang sangat panjang di rumah duka.

Dari sini saya mengucap Bismillah...

Suspicious! Hell yeah!

Me : 'am i a possesive girlfriend?'
Him : 'i dont feel that way'...'but if you'd be like that i will become the same'
Me : 'why?'
Him : 'i told you back then that i was that person and i dont want that person back'
Me : 'i dont mind if you become possesive'
Him : 'please dont. it'll ruin everything, no hard feeling, just learned from the past'


Why can i be in above conversation? God, i'm scare to death if he find out me keep jealous. I have this massive insecurity feeling everytime i think or hear or meet her. I am that fragile since the first time I knew he was into her even just for a while (who knows?). She realized that he chose me, that's the time she starts ignoring me. It might be me who think negative but we are female. Female really has a strong instinc, and surely we know what we have in each other's mind. I dont care if someday she find this then think that i am stupid for wasting my time thinking of something that doesnt exist.

Never, even in my wildest dreams i tend to be possesive. Its all because of you. Yeah, you, Mister!

Dear you Mister F,
If you ask my permission to join Oakwood's outing, then i won't give it. I dont want you to be close to her, even you told me million times that you are with me now and then. I try so hard to keep it in my head, to hold mouth says every bullshits because of jealous. Please dont go there.

Dear you Miss E,
I adore you so much and hate you as hell at the same time. You are such a nice person, i know that. And i know you also try hard to keep that in silent then bury it inside. But feeling cannot lie your expressions.


PS : Once again, all the negative things above are just in my head, except the conversation, it just happened for real about an hour ago.